Pleasantries

Intrusive Thought #3

“Strange weather we’re having.”

I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve looked someone in the eye and thought, I’ve lost interest in this conversation. Is there something, anything, else you’d like to discuss?

I’m trying to be polite. Then, this quote escapes my subconscious and transforms into a runaway freight train traveling up my throat:

“On the subway today... I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head hurt from his banality. I almost didn’t notice it had happened, but I suddenly threw up all over him. He was not pleased, and I couldn’t stop laughing.” - John Doe, as interpreted by Kevin Spacey, written by Andrew Kevin Walker, and weaponized by David Fincher.

First, I am fully aware that I am absolutely interested in shit that could bore some folks into a coma. (You may already know that.) That’s not exactly what I am talking about, but if I explained exactly what I am talking about, this would turn into a 10,000-word diatribe. I’m not trying to do that either.

Here’s my problem.

The weather matters to farmers, meteorologists, and school snow days. I don’t fucking care about the weather. Or traffic. Or your weekend, unless you did something interesting, in which case you’d have led with it. I don’t care about your kid’s 3rd birthday party, you buying a new smoker and what you made on it, or your pilgrimage to Home Depot because you’ve decided to turn a wall into an accent wall. If I tried to list everything, I’d vomit on my laptop.

And before you get defensive, the deeper truth is, neither do you.

You don’t remember the answers to most of these questions. You ask because you’re supposed to. We’ve all quietly agreed this is what “polite” looks like: a mutual exchange of things no one is actually curious about, which is theater.

I’m not saying we should abandon being friendly. I’m saying we should stop confusing performing interest with actually having it.

“My friends will only know I care about them if I show interest in the shit that lulls me to sleep.”

Well, fuck that.

I’ve spent the last couple years trying to master the art of being polite without fantasizing about punching someone in the face. Specifically: changing the subject without changing the subject, while also making it clear I’d rather suck-start a muffler than listen to their recently learned self-motivation/help/growth trick brought to them by way of whichever influencer has their attention that week.

Results have been…mixed. But I’ve learned some tips and tricks, and I thought I would share them with you.

1. “How about this weather?” (or any variation thereof)

“It’s HAARP. We’re all about to die.”

“It’d be better with a Sharknado.” (Pick any of the “nados”. They all work.)

“The last time I was this hot was when I was in Senegal about to bare-knuckle fight a tiger cub.”

“Well, now I know what Han felt like when he stuffed Luke into that tauntaun.”

“If this shit keeps up, we’re gonna have to resurrect Moses.”

“I wish I had a kite. I bet that Ben Franklin was full of shit.”

“There are nanobots in those flakes.”

2. “How are you (doing)?”

“The next time you’ll hear from me, I’ll be on the news.” (Just walk away)

“I think there are certain people who belong in huge hamster wheels.”

“Quivverlingly quixotic.”

“I’m pondering the wetness of water.”

“I need you to get me to the airport, right now.”

“What exactly do you mean by ‘how’? Emotionally? Pragmatically? Am I happy I woke up this morning? Is my marriage ok? Did I sleep well? Was my commute okay? Please don’t ask me about my commute because I am currently at odds with turn signals, stoplights, and the folks who don’t know how to use them. Am I happy to be at work? Am I in the midst of deep contemplation pertaining to my existential plane? Wait. How did you know I’m having a bit of an identity crisis? I mean, how does one tell their beloved that they’re fairly certain they were abducted by aliens a few years ago and can now telepathically communicate with all things land mammal? Thanks, Kevin. I was ready to come to work.”

“I’ll be better if you can help me. How big is your penis?”

3. “What are you doing this weekend?”

“I think my beloved and I are gonna experiment with some new oils.”

“Casing a bank.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out how to turn my solar panels into a laser.”

“Cocaine and a slingshot”

“Going Squatchin’”

“Gonna binge watch “The Jerry Springer Show.”

“I’ve decided it’s time. I’m building a trebuchet. Hank ain’t gonna know what hit him. And fuck Audrey’s garden gnomes. That one with the green hat’s been asking for it for months. Judge me, motherfucker.”

I’m not saying we delete politeness. I’m saying we respect each other enough to be specific.

“How are you?” becomes: “How did your daughter’s surgery go?”

That’s a real question. That’s actual attention. That’s how people know you give a shit.

Now, some of you are thinking: How do we meet people without being abrupt? We don’t want to spook the herd.

Fair. But I think the herd deserves to be spooked a little.

Next time you want to get adventurous, launch one of these gemstones. (Or, your own.)

“Led Zeppelin or The Who?” Go. (Bands are interchangeable, per your tastes.)

“Top 5 films.” Go.

“Shotgun or Crossbow?” Go

“If you were a color, what color would you be?”

“Would you be interested in visiting Antarctica?”

“What is the last LEGO you built?”

“My friend has a fake testicle. Thoughts?”

“Do you have a passport?”

“How do you wanna go out? Mine involves some C-4 and a shootout.”

You’ll get one of two outcomes: A real conversation or a quick exit.

Both are wins.

I look at attention as currency. It’s finite. So I spend it carefully.

Turns out, when you stop wasting it on things no one actually cares about, the conversations get a lot more interesting.