Permission

Day 10 of arguing, and I can’t do this anymore. All I want you to do is take 10 seconds to think before you spout shit from your fucking wordhole. That’s it. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

Really? Lookit. I’ve spent 4 decades with you, suppressing every internal thought I have. Where is my authenticity? Where is my space? When do I get to talk?

You can talk. This is your space now. What do you want to talk about?

Just because everyone is entitled to their opinions doesn’t mean they need to say them outloud! Jesus fuck. I saw a friend post a rather humorous note about something that recently happened, only to see the comment board fill up with polarized takes, political rhetoric, and, quite frankly, some ignorant opinions. I get it. Your beliefs, thoughts, and opinions are yours. Who am I to judge your ethical system of values and morality? However, how about you take a minute or two and consider that your response isn’t fucking warranted? You don’t have to say something about everything. Does your response have anything to do with the original posting, or are you introducing a red herring into an argument that hasn’t started yet? I can’t fucking stand when it’s obvious that a person either doesn’t know about or understand fallacies in discussions.

You sound a little judgey. Is it possible that what you’re screaming about could be seen in the same light by the people to whom you are referring?

Fuck you and your logic.

I can see how you can see that as logic. I see it as curiosity. I think the better question is, what are you so upset about?

I’m exhausted. I can’t do this anymore. Masking makes me so tired. I barely have energy for my beloved when I get home. Attending social functions is now a pure fear. I just want to be, and I can’t.

NOPE. That’s not it. That’s deflection. Try again.

I’m serious. I’ve made the space, and we are putting this to bed. What’s the real thing?

I want people to work as hard as I do to live and communicate. I want people to use their second-level thought and stop falling prey to polarized positions. I want people to live with more curiosity and less judgment.

Are those realistic expectations?

No.

So, let’s try again.

I’m mad that I’ve spent my life doing second-order processing just to survive in rooms where most people are running first-order scripts. And, I’m tired of feeling like I am the only one burning calories. I’m tired of spending my life seeking permission to exist and looking for acceptance when I get it.

Now we are getting somewhere.